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Emotional Infidelity | Psychology Today
Emotional Infidelity | Psychology Today:
Emotional Infidelity
Emotional infidelity: When is cheating really cheating?
Aaron Ben-Zeév's recent article entitled Is Chatting Cheating? prompted me to do some thinking about emotional infidelity. Although not a new phenomenon, emotional infidelity is a notion that, in recent years, has come to some prominence at least as language, due mainly to the inescapable juggernaut of media convergence. It is also, to some degree, a reflection on the generalized loosening of social mores that once would have kept button-down dads buttoned up and soccer moms carpooling, instead of "Seeking Friends" at Match.com or blogging on Facebook.
Sexual infidelity is pretty clear cut; someone steps outside the bounds of a relationship and engages in some form of sexual contact with another person. Although the implications and consequences are similar, emotional infidelity as a construct is a bit more murky, as it does not simply apply to sexual or romantic interpersonal relationships.
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The notion of emotional infidelity can also apply to platonic same- or trans-gender relationships, as well as activities, work, exs, siblings, extended family, hobbies and even kids. Many women in the part of the country where I live and work ruefully refer to themselves as Wall Street Widows - non-interpersonal emotional infidelity in full flower.
Emotional infidelity is any situation that creates or causes some degree of emotional unavailability on the part of one partner that interferes with one particular aspect of the relationship, along with the quality of the relationship as a whole.
Obviously, and speaking to the thesis of Aaron's article, the most salient form of emotional infidelity is that which involves another person, and engages that person in a pseudo-romantic or pseudo-sexual relationship, whether proximal or at a distance. Stated plainly, it's a crush that's reciprocated, but not demonstrably acted upon.
Two things are true here. One is that the nature of communication and the ability to communicate with just about anyone anywhere has greatly increased opportunity. Human nature is such that if the opportunity for a behavior is increased, and the drive to engage in that behavior is for whatever reason unchecked, that opportunity will in all probability be exploited. Infidelity, whether extra-relational (see I Wasn't Looking for an Affair; It Just Happened), or emotional, is usually a matter of opportunity.
The second truth is something of a twist on the old "absence makes the heart grow fonder" line; the constancy of current communication actually intensifies this type of relationship and promotes its distortion. Whereas the absence of a lover increases desire, the constancy of a lover-at-a-distance can turn that person into a drug.
So, we have means and opportunity; what's the motive? Aside from the obvious motivations that one may harbor for stepping outside of his/her primary relationship, the two that seem to avail themselves most prominently to situations of emotional infidelity are fear and safety; fear of not wanting to get caught "doing anything" couched in the perceived safety of ostensibly not doing anything.
Taken from the perspective of risk management, emotional infidelity makes perfect sense. On the one hand you're not going to get caught with the babysitter, your secretary or the contractor. And on the other, are you really ever going to actually hook up with your cyber-soulmate from Boston when you have a spouse, kids and a job in Cincinnati? Not likely - so, there's a built in stop gap.
Regardless of the rationalization behind it, emotional infidelity is an expression of either the need or the desire to absent oneself from one's primary relationship, without actually leaving that relationship. Therein lies the core of the issue, and it is what defines emotional infidelity as if not exactly the same at least the social equivalent of sexual infidelity.
Whether you are physical engaged with another person or not, when you absent yourself from your primary relationship you are taking your attention away from that relationship in a way that interferes with it. It comes back to emotional availability. A great cinematic depiction of this is an interchange between Hilary Swank's character and that of her husband in Freedom Writers. He's not getting his needs met because she's focused on her students, so he ends up leaving.
What really complicates matters is that for the "cheating" partner, there is no real sense that s/he has transgressed because s/he isn't "doing anything" that can be demonstrated as "cheating", i.e. sex. Non-interpersonal "cheating" behavior is rationalized away as a necessity - long hours, relaxation, working out, etc. In the case of interpersonal emotional infidelity, the same sensibility holds true.
While there may indeed be a trail of emails or text messages to mark as a smoking gun, in the mind of the "cheater" s/he isn't really "doing anything". That leaves the other partner in the curious position of experiencing all of the hurt, anger and sense of rejection associated with an affair, while the "cheater" shrugs it off and "doesn't get it."
We are trained from a very young age that behavior begets consequences. Most of us understand that, but if you are doing something that is not really "doing anything", then why should there be consequences?
Somewhere along the line, the moral gravity associated with this sort of social transgression became transformed into the moral relativism that allows us to take office supplies from work. Who's it really going to hurt? - well, no one, but it's still stealing.
Here's the rub - in the case of emotional infidelity, you're stealing from yourself.
© 2008 Michael J. Formica, All Rights Reserved
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The Difficult Act of Giving A Girl Space
The Difficult Act of Giving A Girl Space
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I am posting this in the relationships section because I think it most heavily applies to LTRs.
The Difficult Act of Giving A Girl Space
One of the most difficult things to do is to give a girl the space she needs to not feel smothered by you. We all know that it is essentially impossible to prevent a woman from cheating on you. The emotional roller coaster that is the life of a woman provides men with some very difficult tasks. Among these tasks is the ability to keep a woman invested in the relationship and stable in her attraction to be a part of your life. Learning game makes it even more apparent to me that when engaged in a opportune senario, most girls (if not all) are vulnerable to disloyal temptations. In my humble opinion, this is heavily caused by a woman's drive/need to validate herself and lack of ability (in most women) to control her emotions.
So what can you do to prevent another guy from triggering those emotional moments that cause her to forget her associations with you? Nothing. You absolutely cannot shelter a woman into social slavery. This is something that I was certainly guilty of in the past. It is the age old argument between lovers where the jealously and insecurities take over and each person tries to instill limitations as to the social functions that each other may attend and to with whom. I remember throwing fit after fit when my LTR wanted to have nights out with her girlfriends. I knew guys would be hitting on them. And I knew that they were looking for male attention. For the longest time this caused issues with my inner game . I wondered, what am I doing that is not enough for her? Isn't my validation all she needs? And lately I have questioned the ideals behind why I tried to create the environment for my significant other in the first place. I have learned that woman need constant validation from both men and women alike. And there is no one person that can provide another with enough validation to sustain a healthy level of confidence and satisfaction in todays society.
Sheltering a woman can have some devastating consequences. For one, you are lowering your own value by telegraphing insecurity and neediness. This could eventually add fuel to the fire. She will become increasingly less attracted to you and it will only make for an easier theft by another male.
But lets look at this from a different angle. Sometimes it is very hard to reason with yourself a strong enough argument to put her well being before yours. By sheltering someone, your preventing them from living the fulfilling life that they desire. Your limiting their self-validation and causing their social skillet to melt away slowly. By all means, woman are hardwired to satisfy themselves by satisfying a male, but to use this reasoning to shelter her is immoral. Many guys have the attitude "well if she doesn't like it, theres 11 million others out there..". And they will put there foot down to force a woman to comply. Your selfishly starving the person you may care about most. Starving her from living the best life possible for her. What kind of way is that to treat someone you love?
Most importantly, you might put your foot down and eliminate 95% of the situations where she may be coerced to be unfaithful. But what happens during that last 5%? Your fucking yourself. Because she will be less prepared to exhibit emotional control, due to her lack of experience being confronted with these temptations. And sheltered women usually have LSE and partake in extreme validation seeking behaviors, right?
Its the same principle that parents make mistakes on when raising children. They shelter the children from the world out of fear of corruption. The result is a difficult adaptation when the child is finally released to his own freewill. Remember that home school kid acquaintance of yours that suffers from anti-social behavior and poor social calibration? That is what your doing to your LTR by choking her freewill and social freedom out of her.
By being passive about her desires to satisfy herself, I've noticed that it actually causes a girl's inner game to become more stable. She will seek validation less. For the most part, I think girls need to get hit on every now and then, just to shut up that little self-conscious person inside of them. Many girls don't cheat, and I think its because they don't feel the need to. Enough guys hit on them to shut up that little person inside of them. So they don't feel the need to take it to the extreme of cheating. For this reason, I have chosen to give my girls all the freedom they want to explore what they wish. I am not condoning disloyalty. But I am no longer going to try and stand in the way when a stampede of guys try for her affection.
I doubt this will prevent her from cheating entirely. But I think its the only thing a guy can really do to maintain a healthy lifestyle for her as well as minimize her need to be placed in situations where men are validating her.
I hope this is helpful for all my jealous friends out there. I am also writing this as a reminder to myself, to back off, and let her live her life.
If anyone has anything to add or dispute, please do, I look forward to any thoughts on this issue no matter how tangent.
Swift
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